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Thursday, February 02, 2006


Rugga World Humour: Smile a while!

Amidst all the tensions and stress of upcoming SARU elections, not to mention the Municipal Elections, the almost-upon-us inaugural Super 14 - and the evident soon-to-break-out-in-all-hell war between Aldo and OO, WPW and PJLD, etc. etc. - we thought we might cheer up your day a bit.


On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Vietnamese men and one Vietnamese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman..

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trios

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions

The two Vietnamese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and setup a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism and about how evil men are as exploiters of women, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.


Here's a quote from Mike Carlton (Aussie journo and broadcaster) in the paper on the week-end, which brought the only recent smile to my rugby face....

Eddie Jones, in attempting to defend Australia's 7th loss in a row said, "If you take the scrum out of the equation (Aust v Eng, Twickenham) we played well", to which Carlton responded,

"If you take the assassination out of the equation, President & Mrs Kennedy quite enjoyed the drive from Dallas to the airport."

Golf lingo

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin

Putting lingo

Taking a Gerry Adams.......hitting a provisional ball
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant....shaving the hole.
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Diego Maradonna....very very nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


It's really not difficult...To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:

01. a friend
02. a companion
03. a lover
04. a brother
05. a father
06. a master
07. a chef
08. an electrician
09. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate


44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls


50. give her lots of attention,
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


53. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


01. Feed him
02. Sleep with him
03. Leave him in peace
A Hillbrow prostitute sê "Ons word geëet maar nie soos Bafana Bafana".  

I thought the english version would be

We get f---ed but not like Bafana Bafana

PJLD is thinking:

Nee dis great dat ek ook 'n boer is, jy weet!
Cool stuff kandas  
Hoping to attract blondie with your unusual humour?  

Dont you like my humour?
I like it kandas.


The fact that Wes hasn't made the first post with some remark about PJLD failing the pencil test and me liking Big Black Ass and Aldo being a boer thug proves that he is seriously ill.

PJLD you should phone your buddy and find out what's wrong with him.

It must be very serious.
lol @ Baas Aldo  
Hehehe Kandas. Just one question, what war are you talking about? We've been relatively civil up to now.

PJLD is think
Nee, dis great dat ek nou nie meer hoef te se baas nie, jy weet.

While Wes is saying
Nee, dis great dat Calyton nou 'n boer is ek se, dan los hy al die colored girls vi my!
Ja nee!
Aleays wanted to be a boer,just so i could say that properly
Province, have you phoned wes yet. The guy might be very sick! You have to find out, we can't lose our BEE status do to a illness!  
Telecom : How may we help you?

Customer : I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Telecom : Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer : My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls please.

Telecom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer : This one does.

Telecom : What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer : A mobile. I tell you this.

Telecom : No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

Customer : An erection.

............................................ After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued.

Telecom : Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer : For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.
..............................................Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the penny dropped.

Telecom : Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer : For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah.
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."
lol @ PJLD

You see it's like the old white oke's line

Cop: Who robbed you?

Whitie: A k----er

Cop: Ja man but what does he look like?

Whitie: I dunno they all look the same to me.

So seeing as the Kiwis call us boeroe does that mean:

TV Commentator: Who beat you up Tana

Tana: Bloody Seffer bastard

TV Commentator: Yeh Mate but what does he look like?

Tana: Bloody hell mate. Oi dunno. They all look thee same to me...

So we all look the same to the Kiwis.
3 Empty beer bottles

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got
married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must
promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However,
on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in
the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know
why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointead and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the
road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not
that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed
them in."
Being a standard issue buinou,i neglected to get his number from him,he just usually calls me...oops  
You're not a bruinou

You're a boer remember.

Funny last week they had a show on SABC 2 about farming difficulties in the Freestate.

Anyways, there's the white farmers in their khakis, Hi-Tech hiking boots (don't wear vellies anymore) and standing with them is the local black farmer next to his Hilux with khaki broek fat beer boep and Hi-Tech boots.

And all of them are whining about the influx of unemployed black people into their area and destroying their mielies!

The black farmer even speaks Afrikaans to the tv okes.

Probably supports Pieter Mulder too....

A banker confused about maths, asks his secretary:
"if I give you R3 million less 17%, how much would you take off?

She replies:
"Everything sir, the dress, bra and panty....
OH Snap,you shoulda recorded that!im forrgetting that i am being a boer!  
There are many blacks who can only speak Afrikaans (and their mothertongue) - and not only on the platteland.
Strange, but true.

Anyway, I've been waiting for the opportunity to post this one:

One of the Canadian national daily papers is asking for comments about "What it means to be British".
Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
4 surgeons are taking a tea break:

1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when
you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says "Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them
is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says "Well you should try electricians. Everything inside
them is colour coded."

4th surgeon says "I prefer Bafana Bafana players. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."
watch it, bulls on parade - someone may just call you racist
Was waiting for that...  
Davids - looks like they doing an expose on keo. It's entitled "The damning truth about Davids"...  
jake white must have written it robd.  
Hit it Kandas,

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear
eish, you're right ss, i think i'll refrain from Bafana jokes, lol!  
ja shame,poor lardy  
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when
Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, "Well, they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling...
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
i heard the sad shit banana banana boys were booo'd at the airport on arrival..  

How is things going?
The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

Means: "I have no idea how it works."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

Means: "Are you still talking?"

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Ja they were,and then they could not understand why!!!!BECAUSE YOU ARE K@K!you couldnt even score a goal!  
Nice one hehe.

Made me think about another Pope joke I heard.

He was visiting South Africa and one day told his security people he would like to take a drive on his own to Cape Point to be alone with nature and God.

After some deliberation, they agree and of went the Pope.

As he got to Cape Point he found a perfect spot on the beach to be at one with nature. At that time he suddenly picked up a person some way into the water frantically splashing and screaming.

He went to find higher ground to try and make out what was going on. He saw a man struggling for his life against one of man’s most feared predators, a great white shark.

He saw the man had a Blue Bull’s jersey on and as he was silently fearing the inevitable putting in a silent prayer for the man, along came a speed boat at one hell of a speed.

Three men all in Stormers jerseys raced to the spot where the man was fighting for his life and started poking the shark with spears and gaffs.

After a frantic rescue effort the Pope saw the shark go belly up and the three men on the boat pull the bull’s guy to the safety of the boat.

So amazed was the pope that he waved and signaled frantically to catch the hero’s attention.

Luckily for the Pope on of the guys saw him and they made their way too the beach.

Once there the Pope immediately blessed all three and could hardly hold back his joy.

“I have been told of unrivaled prejudice in South Africa and the hate people from the South have against people of the North,” the Pope said.

“I will go back and tell all whom I meet that not only is this untrue in South Africa, but the rest of the world should learn from the love you share for one another.”

He continued to bless them one last time after which he made his way to his car and drove off.

Confused, the guys on the boat looked at each other wondering what the hell just happened? With this one guy turns to the other two and asks, “Who in the hell was that?”

To which one of the other two replied, “F@#k me if I know, but do you okes reckon this guy is good for another round to use as bait so we can maybe get about 5 sharks today?”
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely

Like Gus Theron...

ja ja you bitches wait till i meet you bastard we will se who is love child is who's!!!!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
Only reason they're using a bulls supporter is cos we're as tuff as nails. Only reason they could get him to do it is cos they are three and he was alone.  
A woman goes to Mozambique to attend a 2-week,
company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes
her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what
would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Mozambican girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the
airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for- the Mozambican girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait
for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Do you know the difference between "guts" and "balls"?

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling Of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the A$$ and having the balls to say, "You're next."
Jurre BoP,try that crap @ your own peril!  
hmmm - big developments. Seems the Big 5 are going to show SARU the finger re the Spears' inclulsion in S14 next year...  
banggat province :)  

Ek het die volstruis.

Nou nog net die geld.
Plaasseun stap kroeg binne met 'n volstruis onder die een arm en 'n toiletbak vol R100 note onder die ander.

Die kroegman vra :"En die?"

Seun: " My pa het gesê as jy "girls" soek, moet jy 'n groot voël en 'n kakhuis vol geld hê."
Soos Wilfred sing:

"Los jou mossie by die huis
en kom speel met my volstruis"

Die Smartie kry die Jellytot in die parkie en sien hy is dik gemoer, hy het 'n moerse blou oog en al sy suiker is afgeslaan.
Smartie: "Hi Jellietot, wie het jou so gemoer?
Jellietot: "Twee Mint Imperials het my beet gepak. Ek weet nie eens hoekom nie."
Smartie: "Moenie worry nie, ek sal hulle kry. Hulle kan nie hiermee wegkom nie."
Na so 'n tydjie kom Smartie terug, twee blou oe en dis omtrent net sy chocolate wat oorbly, goed opgefok.
Jellietot: "En nou smartie?"
Smartie: "Hoekom se jy my nie dis sterk lekkers nie?"
Kandas,you dont wqant to know about the chick im involved @ the mo,boety,shes a killa  

What's the news and where?
Smartie asks Jelly Tot to go with him to a night club.

Jelly Tot reckons: "I dunno hey, I'm a bit of a soft centre and that's a rough joint. Maybe not."

Smarties says "Don't worry, I'm a hard case, I'll look after you"

Off they go to the rough spot at the sweetie equivalent of the East Rand.

Suddenly four Halls waltz in grab the Jelly Tot and beat the seven colours of living shit out of him. Smartie is nowhere to be seen.

After the Halls leave, Smartie comes to find out if Jelly Tot is okay.

Jelly Tot is pissed!

"Why the hell didn't you look after me when those Halls beat me to a sack of shit!"

Smartie shakes his head:

"Are you crazy! Those guys are fucking Menthol!"
These weety jokes are lame ass!  
No Aldo let me tell you a lame one liner:


Eish sorrie, dit moes seergemaak het...

At least your chick doesn't come and check up on you here the way somebody's wife does....
GLC is getting a trite tense at his new nome de guerre  
My son! My son!

Where are you?

Why do you deny me!
New thread on Spears involvement in S14.  
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