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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

 

Rugga World Humour: Some classic rugby moments and comments


Keeping in the festive tradition we take a look at some classic comments from that NZ'lander Mexted, some inexplicable stories from the Aussies and just, well, ripping the Poms - cause we can. Enjoy!

Tight Forward

Like most sports announcers, Sky-TVs rugby commentator Murray Mexted was not immune to verbal bloopers. "There's nothing that a tight forward likes more," he declared during a match one day, "than a loosie right up his backside!"

Some more Mexted classics

"Everybody knows," Mexted once declared, "that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple of seasons now."

"Spencer's running across the field calling out, 'Come inside me, come inside me!'"

"You don't like to see hookers," he declared during a match one day, "going down on players like that!"

"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation," Mexted once declared, "when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through!"

"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."

"Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens," he declared during a match one day, "and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."

Left in the cold…

In 1966 the Colwyn Bay Rugby team travelled fifty miles across the mountains of Snowdonia to play Portmadoc. Unfortunately, both teams agreed to abandon the game - when they lined up for the kick-off and realized that they did not have a ball.

So who coined it big time in 2003?

During the 2003 Rugby World Cup, Australian brothels began recruiting extra S&M specialists and stocking up on whips to cater to posh English rugby union supporters. Robbie Swan, a spokesman for The Eros Association, Australia's adult entertainment industry, told the BBC: "The upper classes in England, we know that they like spanking."

Doug Perkins & Specsavers

Following his retirement from Welsh rugby, Doug Perkins, the famed former Llanelli player, devoted his energy to the management of Specsavers, the large chain of optical shops which he had founded. In 2002, as part of a sponsorship deal, Specsavers offered free eye tests to select members of the Welsh Rugby Union who Perkins thought could use some extra help: Welsh Rugby Union referees.

At the time, referees were subjected to so much verbal abuse that attendance numbers at coaching courses were down 50%. Specsavers paid £1 million to display the firm's name on referees' shirts for four seasons.

Big Problem

In mid-May 2003, the West Australian printed a page-three apology to Fremantle Australian Rules midfielder Paul Hasleby, claiming that production staff had not noticed a certain detail in a photo which it had published as part of a recent match preview. The problem? The photo clearly showed Hasleby's penis dangling from his shorts.

Only in Africa

In 1974, fifteen members of the Mombasa Rugby Football Club flew 475 miles to Uganda to play their annual needle match with Nairobi Harlequins. Upon their arrival, they were dismayed to learn that the Harlequins were on their way to Mombasa in a fleet of cars.

Aussie Rules part I?

In April 2002, Port Melbourne captain Peter Filandia was suspended for 10 games from the Victorian Football League. Though Filandia apologised for the infraction and called it "a split-second decision," tribunal chairman Eddie Power ordered Filandia to have counselling before playing again...
The infraction in question? Filandia, it seemed, had bitten an opponent's scrotum during a match.
Aussie Rules part II?

Sky-TV broadcaster Ray French was covering a rugby game one day when a player was injured in the scrum. "And he's got the ice pack on his groin," French helpfully explained, "so it's possibly not the old shoulder injury..."

Rhymes with Scrum?

In 2001, former international rugby player John Hopoate was banned from the Australian National Rugby League for three months for an ill-advised infraction.
The infraction in question? Hopoate, it seemed, had poked a finger up an opponent's "backside" during a match.

For Queen and Country…

When Britain's chief justice proposed replacing 17th-century outfits with something more modern, Lord Waddington objected: "I can see no advantage to the Queen or the public," he declared, "if the Lord Chancellor removes his tights."

Sweet Chariot

In November 2003, Jonny Wilkinson led England to victory in the Rugby World Cup in Sydney, Australia. Shortly after his return home, British Airways was bombarded with requests from fans to sit in Wilkinson's seat (64J in Club Class) on the plane (which fans christened Sweet Chariot) which flew him home.

"We've never experienced this kind of hero-worship before," a BA spokesman reported. "Unfortunately, while we can look at requests for specific seats, we can't guarantee the same aircraft or route but that doesn't seem to worry Jonny's army of fans."

Following the victory, The Sydney Morning Herald printed a congratulatory editorial: "We will no longer characterise your fans," it read in part, "as beer-swilling, pot-bellied louts or knife-wielding hooligans."

Shane Millard: Rugby Match

During a rugby league match in May 2004, Widnes Viking hooker Shane Millard sustained a head gash after colliding with the Castleford Tigers' Dean Ripley. He was patched up at half-time and sent back into the fray with a headguard. Not until after the match did he notice that he had one of Ripley's teeth embedded in his head.

"I went to the hospital nearest the club at Whiston, where they took x-rays of the wound and said there was definitely something lodged in there," Millard recalled. "They told me to come back the following morning when they would have a clearer picture. Sure enough it was part of a tooth. I was given a local anaesthetic and then they blasted a tooth out with three packs of saline solution. The tooth came out just as the anaesthetic was wearing off. I've had a few injuries in my time but this is certainly the strangest. But I'd rather have a gash on my head than lose a part of a tooth. At least I keep my good looks." – Ja you wish you stupid Aussie…


Comments:
Wonder what St Mike will say about the spankin?  
hehe,

yeah, pitty he does not come on here more often...
 
PA

Is the www.sportsys.co.za site active?
 
Ok I only spotted the pic now- shyte he can be glad he is not playing footy in Arsetrylia  
under construction OO, a lot of things has changed so we are changing the look a bit.  
Seeing that you all are too busy with nonsense and sucking (which must stop by the way as we are getting high profiled visitors to the site *** FINAL WARNING ***) and whatever to read my post on the other thread, I post it here again.

Afternoon all!!!

Just some feedback regarding the site and to address some of your questions - I know DavidS also asked something about this on one of the other threads this morning.

This blog is part of a massive system of blogs working though one server which means that changes to the site (and there is a lot of them not showing yet) and certain posts and comments and the fact that certain threads dont show the amount of comments immediately all depends on the refresh rate of the server. This can be somewhat problematic at times and we apologise for that although we have absolutely no control over it.

PA and myself were discussing the possibility of our own server and we will look into that but obviously these things take time and I heard this morning that some people are on holiday - something to do with Christmas and New Year or something like that - and I wasn't aware of it :)

Please bear with us and we will turn this into the best rugby site on the Internet.

Not that we ever doubted the fact that you already knew that! :)

And no, it is not Kandas' Fault!

Now, may I also go get some Christmas presents and a lot of booze.
 
Hallo Kandas

Are you off to buy something nice for Roosmaryntjie/Spearleaders or berta-marie?
 
Something for DavidS from News 24

The thinking woman's sex shop
20/12/2005 08:40 - (SA)

My boyfriend's mother has recently been scandalised by the opening of a sex shop near where she works. The pretty street in which she has her business is now marred by a garish pink shopfront, into which the shadiest of characters occasionally creep.

Sex shops are popping up all over Johannesburg like mushrooms after a summer storm. Apparently, their owners make good tenants, as their business is booming, so they are never late with rental payments.

Whereas once, sex shops used to line the sleazier streets of our town, they're now springing up in perfectly respectable areas. And the residents are shocked. But all of them can't be too horrified because it seems business is booming.

I have never been inside a Johannesburg sex shop. There's something sordid about the way in which these places push their own vulgar brand of sexual intimacy.

I have, however, been to sex shops in Amsterdam and London, all for the experience. And somehow, in The Red Light District, or Soho, there's a touristy kind of attraction that removes the lascivious edge from entering these fur-lined havens of sexuality.

I've even brought home, for friends, evidence of these adventures, in the form of furry handcuffs or foreplay dice (one dictates the action, while the other instructs on which body part will be receiving it).

On a recent visit to Cape Town, however, a friend of mine suggested that we pay a visit to Lady Chatterley's, a sex shop that had opened near where she lives. Since she's not a particularly raunchy vixen, I was initially surprised by her enthusiasm, but my introduction to this thinking woman's sensuality store altered my perception of what these places can offer.

Tastefully sexy

Instead of plush and gaudy pink and black, the shop was simply white. And while it did stock the entire gamut of vibrators, plugs and crotchless panties, the majority of its wares were tastefully sexy.

Here was a place where a woman could buy a set of underwear to titillate her man with something beautiful, rather than something that makes her look like a prostitute. Instead of being made out of steel wool disguised as antique lace, the panties and bras were all beautifully made out of soft, sensual fabrics that were a delight to touch.

Here was a place where a man could buy his wife or girlfriend a provocative Christmas present (hint!) that she would regard as a treat, rather than a confirmation of her lover's predilection for streetwalkers.

And sure, every second shelf held a variety of vibrating, rotating, jiggling, pulsating bits of equipment, but somehow, in that context, their appeal was far greater. They seemed more like a foray into exploration of the fun side of sexuality.

Johannesburg needs a tasteful sex shop. And I can only hope that if one does arrive in our tree-lined streets, that we give it a proper welcome.

Serena de Souza once found a vibrator in her ex-boyfriend's mother's cupboard, and she was horrified.
 
Hi OO

At this stage I'm more worried about what they are buying me!!!

Gave them all a list of some seriousl expensive stuff. Dont know if some of them have the guts to go into a sex shop either. :)
 
Now why did we have to think about Sex Shops at the same time?????  
great minds...

fools never differ

take your pick

Are you happy with with Dr. Phil- and be honest.... I will go looking in Ruggaworlds archives
 
Maybe we should get rugrat sex dice- one of the options should be internet blogging with your buddies :-)  
DavidS

Do you think this guy has got job security?

*****

Nasa prepares mission to Pluto
21/12/2005 13:29 - (SA)

Washington - Nasa is ready for a January 17 launch of its New Horizons probe to Pluto, the furthest planet in our solar system, officials said on Monday.

The robotic probe, weighing 454kg and about the size of a grand piano, is expected to reach Pluto in mid-2015, officials said.

Pluto "holds many clues on how the solar system was formed and also perhaps how other solar systems were formed," said Andrew Dantzler, Solar System Division.

The mission "is about helping us to meet our key objectives, understanding the formation and evolution our solar system," Dantzler said.

Pluto is the only planet in the solar system that has not been studied by a probe. The only available clear digital images are from the Hubble space telescope.
 
OO

I am very very happy with Dr. Phil. It is amazing the positive response from the business sector and general public in the area since the news broke. He is also a great humble guy and has a passion for SWD. Great appointment.
 
I am glad Kandas. Especially on the business sector coming to the party.

Wasnt Heyneke Meyer & Frans Ludeke both part of his team that had done so well?

And Anton Leonard the captain?
 
Btw kandas

When are we getting some arti on Stag Cronje?
 
Leonard yes. Not sure about the others though.  
Seeing that the site is cooking today- go fly a kite

Mia Handshin did in the Adelaide Advertiser

Encourage the inner child to go fly a kite

11nov05

AS soon as I got the email, I was practising my best "Ahar, me mateys". Being asked to be a ring-in pirate in this year's Christmas pageant was like a dream come true.

I had always harboured a secret wish to be a fairy on Nipper or Nimble. But I could make do with a pirate. And then I flicked through my grown-up diary and realised that I had grown-up commitments meaning I would have to say no.

But it got me thinking. How much do I actually "play" like I used to when I was a child? A friend and I were commenting just last week, after our first game of touch football, that it's been a long time since we've done something for the first time. And that revelation signalled to us that we have, to some extent, assumed grown-up lives of serial monotony.

Well, not quite serial monotony but definitely that we are living lives doing the same old things that we've been doing for a while. We figured out that we had played netball for at least 20 years – hence the shift to touch footy; we'd been driving a car now for 10 years; and at least that long, longer for some than others, since we experienced our first kiss and, um, other grown-up stuff. So on the weekend, I resolved to play. And I have to admit, mustering the energy to play was the first obstacle. I can muster the energy to go and do a serious grown-up gym workout, but playtime energy expenditure seemed all the more challenging.

Then it was mustering the creative ingenuity to figure out what to play. But it wasn't long before my big-kid partner and I had found a kite to take to the beach to fly.

Watching Lee fly the kite, first I realised that I would have to work hard to wake up the inner child in myself. Usually that's not such a huge problem for me, but after a week of dealing with the very adult realities of life and work, I was struggling. But as soon as I got the strings in my hand, something seemed to lift. I was flying and smiling, and very nearly being lifted off the ground by the whistling strings and rainbow-coloured trick kite. We could have stayed for hours but then we realised that, like true kids, we hadn't packed enough sun protection and were getting burned. So, sane and sensible, we left, but not before we realised that it was important to be a grown-up who could play like a child every once in a while.

I thought it was rather timely then that I received an email listing the 25 signs of having grown-up. I laughed at some of the suggested indicators such as that you know you are grown up when: you can hear your favourite song in an elevator; older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you; sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt; you're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo; and a $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

Last year, I complained about the Christmas decorations going up so early. This year, I am thinking it's a good thing. Because it is taking me longer to remind the child in me that it's time and, in fact, it's OK to come out and play.

mia@manaofspeaking.com.au
 
Man -go fly a kite, chimney sweeps, gadzooks it seems that that I cannot get away from mary poppins today.

Also from Adelaide Advertiser

'Tis time for a clean sweep

03dec05

IT'S THE third day of summer and Wayne Reid is dreaming about roaring open fires, combustion heaters and wood stoves. Wayne is one of a handful of chimneysweeps working in Adelaide. December is not a good month for chimneysweeps.

"A few people get their chimneys done for Christmas," he says. "But we generally find the first cold night, around about March-April, we get a few phone calls and from March until August-September you are more or less troubleshooting.

"People were going to get their chimney done but didn't, so consequently the fire starts smoking or whatever."

Wayne has a broad grin when he says the best time to call in the sweep is early December. He believes in Father Christmas, he jokes.

"I am positive Father Christmas does come down the chimney - so it's only fair to get your chimney cleaned," Wayne says.

"I haven't found any clear evidence, reindeer droppings or anything like that, but there's nothing I've heard to suggest he doesn't come down the chimney on Christmas Eve."

The veteran chimneysweep says children still believe the chimney is Santa's secret route to the Christmas tree.

"I think they do for a little while," Wayne says. "It's their imagination. It's just part of childhood and growing up. These modern parents who say they can't tell their children lies - come on . . ."

Surprisingly, there are more chimneysweeps in town today than there were in the 1970s, giving him more competition.

"When I first started 30 years ago, there were probably three or four of us doing it. Now, there are probably about a dozen and it's been on and off at that level for a few years now," he says.

Wayne was born in the western suburbs and attended Findon Primary and Findon High. He has been a chimneysweep for 30 years, but started his working life as an odd-jobs man.

"I started work in the '60s. My first pay was in pounds, shillings and pence and the next week was in decimal currency," he says. "When I left school, I was a messenger boy on a pushbike in the city - car spare parts. A place called Duncan and Co in Halifax St.

"There's nothing like getting your bike tyre caught in a tram track."

Wayne went into the building game doing brickie's work, and for a while was a rigger. He turns out to also be a former Advertiser colleague. "I did bits and pieces," he says. "An electrical assistant. Then I spent about 13 years at The Advertiser in the composing room.

"It was my job to get the ads out of the trays. I loved the pressure. Racing to get the edition out. Truck drivers panicking. News agents panicking. I was doing night work at The Advertiser. I was young, with a young family, and I was looking for extra income. A chap I knew had the chimneysweep round. He asked me whether I could help him out during the day because I did night work. That's how I got into it. He got sick of working weekends and sold the round to me." And so, a new career was slowly born.

"I kept it as a part-time business because it's only seasonal. You are lucky to get five or six months out of it - plus the odd renovations or at Christmas," Wayne says. "I ran it part-time for a lot of years. I did my first chimney in about 1975 and gave away The Advertiser 20 years ago. "Then my wife, Sandy, wanted to give up work. So we opened a cleaning round. She went from private secretary to cleaner in one night." "So we've got cleaning, commercial cleaning, window cleaning and chimney cleaning all in one business. "Chimney sweeping is probably the most lucrative in the season. "It's a specialist field." He loves talking about fires. I ask him what changes he has seen over 30 years. "Open fires," he says. "When I first started, we did open fires and the old pot-belly-type fires. We had the early combustions - a few of those and, of course, the old Metters wood stoves. "There are still a few of those around in older houses. And people doing renovations are putting them back in." And today? "There are a lot more combustion heaters," he says. "They are more effective. They burn longer." But time-poor modern families are moving away from the old-fashioned charm of a wood fire. People are increasingly not bothered with them. "People are getting lazy," he says. "I'm not sure what it is. They are going away from that to have gas or electricity." But there are still boutique fires. He even has one himself. "The heat from a combustion fire - you can't beat," he says. "People say the price of wood now is ridiculous. But once you get a combustion heater going, you can keep it going 24/7. "If you run electricity or gas the same hours you run a combustion heater, you'd go broke. "People forget that. They think of the outlay on the wood but they forget you can run them 24/7. "I find a lot of pensioners - their kids say 'Mum, get rid of the heater. It's too hard'. But they prefer to buy the wood. They know how much it is costing them and they've paid for it up front. "You have to be organised. A nice little spot to keep your wood dry and an ash bucket to keep it clean." Will open fires disappear? "I don't think so," Wayne says. "One of the most relaxing things for me is an open fire or a nice tropical fish tank. "You look at both of them and they mesmerise you." Is business dropping? "No. It's just changed around a bit," he says. "From the old brick fireplace to the metal combustion heaters." Will it survive? "There's always a rumour that they are going to stop open fires because of the pollution," says Wayne. "I don't think that will ever happen. Councils will always police it if someone is burning something wrong." Wayne still uses the traditional brushes, screwing the flexible poles together as the brush is pushed up the chimney. "The ones I use now are fibreglass but I've still got my old cane ones," he says. "Just vacuum up afterwards. As old as the hills."

Rex Jory joryr@adv.newsltd.com.au
 
See

I told you okes about the Poms and spanking.

Also

Where's that picture I gave you, seeing as we're on the subject?

StM will judiciously avoid this thread.

OO

What do you mean what are we on about like Huisgenoot?

I read your post BTW Kandas

Thanks for the feedback.

That story's for me OO...I wish. It's not as though I have a sex life. Maybe I can get some videos..... to watch while I'm trying to get the youngest to sleep.


The robot has job security but the problem is they're gonna leave him there. It ain't like someone's going out to fetch him afterward. It'll just be a nasty retrenchment. Sorry oke, thanks for the work but cheers. And who knows whether the Plutonians have a CCMA or whether it'll have jurusdiction over NASA.
 
Knadas

That's right


Seeing as I can't spell your damned name on the type writer keyboardie thingie, your name is now officially changed from Kandas (that was very difficult) to Knadas.


Live with it, revel in it and accept it.
 
DavidS

not your arti

That was good- I am just saying that there is no rugby news- now all the stuff that get posted is like the Huisgenoot.

I am not even trying to post something on OORB- because every thing is silent.
 
15H00

Time for a beer!
 
knadas you bastard...  
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